I had various hobbies as a child. My parents, while the epitome of lower working class, worked hard to find resources and ways for my brother and I to have a well-rounded childhood. I'll get into some of my other interesting childhood hobbies another time, but one that sticks out prominently (and the title of this post that undoubtedly drew you in), was that I was in a, "Christian puppet troupe" for longer than I was allowed to be or should've allowed to be in (sorry, ending on a preposition, I am not a technically skilled writer).
The church my family chose to attend throughout most of my childhood and early adolescence is, at best, fraught. But as anyone who ascribes to the Christian faith will say, "every church is flawed, Christ is perfect." (ok so explain your consistent "slut shaming" and mistreatment of special needs children in your children's programs. I digress). I don't really know how much I hold in my heart to be true regarding the Christian faith, and even when I was a child attending church 1-3 times a week, I can't honestly say I was as convicted as I felt guilted into being. I enjoyed church for the social aspect. Being a homeschooled child, I didn't have many kids my age to choose from regarding friendships. Lucky for me, the homeschool co-op and the church we went to consisted of pretty much the same people. You can hear the sarcasm dripping from my last sentence.
While attending church, I was involved in various clubs and activities for children my age. I was part of the Pioneer Club that met every Wednesday, along with children's choir, children's theater, and, when I got to middle school, a band member of the middle school worship band. All of these tracks had their social benefits, but the one that sticks out most prominently to me was the puppet troupe. Once I heard that this was being started in my grade school class, I was instantly enamored.
I have always had a weird affinity for puppets, weird only because people deem it weird to be "into" puppetry. I think people forget that a lot of American childhoods are rooted in classic programs such as Sesame Street, The Muppets, and even earlier, Lamb Chop and Charlie Horse (which I had both puppets as a child, and they went with me everywhere). So, in reality, puppets are more mainstream than people give them credit for.
I was one of the first to sign up to be part of this new puppet troupe, and definitely one of the last to leave. We worked on various plays, mostly Biblical stories and original ideas (based on biblical stories), along with some very basic improv scenes. We sometimes got to make the puppets, but we were fortunate to have access to many well-made puppets that we got to use in our shows. We would normally perform for our peers, and those a little younger than us, but eventually we were getting booked for gigs on the road! We played THREE nursing homes over the course of my tenure with the troupe. It was huge for 4th grade Cortney.
One of my very last performances was one I'll never forget. We, as a team, got the licensing rights to use The Veggie Tales adaptation of Ester. For those who are not as well-versed in the Veggie Tale lore, this was one of their animated feature films that many households owned on VHS.
Of course, everyone was vying for the coveted role of Ester. And while I had been a loyal member of the puppet ministry troupe, I had not yet been cast in a leading role by our director. At this point, I was "aging out" of puppet ministry, at the ripe old age of 11, and I was really hoping I could make my, potentially last performance, as the lead.
To my delight and surprise, I was cast as Ester! I was ecstatic. I immediately began running my lines and working with my designated Ester puppet. Probably annoying my family to large degrees.
After about a month of rehearsals, it was finally time to debut our take on the Veggie Tales take of whoever the fuck wrote the book of Ester's take of Ester's life. I, for the special occasion, begged my mom to buy me a new skirt. Not just any skirt, but the Mary Kate and Ashley for Walmart brand skirt. Truly one of the most sought-after brands of my youth. The skirt was flawless. It was denim, came right to my stubby, scabby, prepubescent knees, and purple and pink flowers embroidered all over the front, WITH RHINESTONES. Along with a detachable pink woven belt with a faux brass buckle. You can clearly tell how much I loved this skirt. I also love trying to fit in even more.
Anyways, I saved the skirt for our special performance and my debut as a leading lady of puppetry (the rationale behind me dressing up just to stand behind a stage is beyond me, but that's Cortney logic for you).
The way the stage is set up was in two tiers, to allow for an illusion of depth and to convey different locations easier. The bottom tier of the stage was manageable to stand on your feet without any boosters, but the second tier required an average grade school child to stand on a chair. As the lead, I had to be able to manuaver around the stage with my puppet, and so they had some light blocking laid out for me, to be able to go from the bottom tier to standing on a chair for the top tier.
The show was going flawlessly. we had the 2nd-5th graders in the audience, as it was a mandatory part of their religious education (this was in place of a normal Sunday school class). Every student was there to witness US performing what we've worked so hard on, including my grade school crush, [redacted].
Once we finished the performance, we were all required to step out from behind the stage to take a bow and say who we portrayed. I thought to myself, "ok, this is how I'll finally get [redacted] to notice me. I am wearing my new Mary Kate and Ashley for Walmart skirt, I was the lead in the Veggie Tales adaptation of Ester, why wouldn't he be in love with me?" (turns out, there were a lot of reasons, mainly because he liked my friend. A motif that continues to follow me through adulthood).
As the last line of the play was uttered, and the applause began to fill the small, carpeted classroom with the carpeted divider, all of our peers hopped up on hi-c grape juice and animal crackers, we all start to step out to take a bow. As rehearsed, I was to go last. As confident as I had ever felt at that age, I step off the grey, plastic chair, and I immediately hear a tearing sound that can only be described as cheap denim ripping against extreme pressure. I look down, and see that my Mary Kate and Ashely for Walmart denim skirt, the one that was supposed to win me the affections of my peers and my love interest, [redacted], had ripped all the way up to my Kmart brand cotton underwear, the kind that comes in a pack and that your mom thinks is, "very cute."
At first, after the initial shock and horror passed over me, I thought, "ok, maybe nobody heard, and I can play it off like this skirt came like this (ha)." But before I could finish that thought, my arch nemesis, [redacted] (who, turns out to be a flaming racist piece of shit), yells out, "HEY, WHO'S PANTS RIPPED?" and the whole room of children erupted in laughter.
I was mortified, but tried to maintain composure. I still stepped out, holding my Ester puppet in one hand, and my skirt together with the other, as we all took our group bow. Our director, a kindly woman who wore long skirts and kept puppet materials in a Rubbermaind bin in her grey minivan, saw my discomfort and quickly walked me off to assist me (which consisted of tan masking tape around my whole lower half to try and hold the skirt together. It popped off after about 30 seconds). The class eventually forgot what happened, and they were ushered out of the room to their waiting parents in the hallway.
Clearly this is a story I need to share with my therapist, and maybe not on this blog. But either way, I still love puppets, and am always looking for ways to shoehorn them into my performances as an adult. I still love Mary Kate and Ashley for Walmart, and if you have any leads on buying some of their goods on resale, leave a comment below.
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