PRO-ductivity

I'd like to fancy myself as a fairly productive, self-motivated person. Usually I allow myself to chill out after work for a little, and then I move onto writing or cleaning or some other project that will never see the light of day. Lately, it's been hard for me to curb that need to be productive all the time. Mostly because of the feeling that I HAVE to be doing something during this quarantine time. I mean, Shakespeare wrote "King Lear" during quarantine that one time, or so I've been told by everyone who is expecting great art to come out of this time period for everyone who identifies in the "creative" category.

Most days after work, I am beat, and that's when things were the old normal (I guess we have to call this the "new normal" for the time being. Probably longer if people don't get their shit together and actually fucking social distance. If you're one of the assholes who think this won't affect them, or hates the elderly and immunocompromised, fuck you). ANYWAYS, I digress.

Nowadays, I feel even more drained after my normal 7-8 hour grocery store clerk shift. I can chalk it up to mostly emotional energy that is being zapped faster than usual. So when I come home from work now, I can barely function (maybe it's the alcohol consumption, who am I to actually say?).

Early on in the pandemic, I was like the one "studious" twin from the Sweet Valley High books (I can't remember her name. Elizabeth? Peg? Suze?), where I would come home, attempt some weak "social activism" (telling people to fuck off if they're not taking this seriously and secretly wish they get it just to prove a point on my social media, and buying cool t-shirts to support local businesses), meal prep for the foreseeable future, read, write, go outside for really whatever, floss, online shop for things I don't need, watch The Office for "educational purposes", and exercise.

I also have taken up the challenge of changing my skincare routine and if you want to talk to me about it, please let me know. I still have pockmarks and chin zits but other than that my skin is GLOWING.

Now, only a week and a half into the serious business, I am lucky if I can come home after work, shower, change into "daytime pjs" and fall asleep on the couch to Tiger King with a half-eaten Trader Joe's frozen Indian meal (that I don't even like that much but I panic bought last week along with a container of diced onions, two bottles of salad dressing, and a sangria starter kit) like the rest of the country is doing (Right?).

I am trying to give myself some grace, and I hope you are too. This is a weird time and we are all coping and grieving in our own ways. I am hoping my anxiety mellows out, and I can allow myself guilt-free rest, and I hope you all are able to listen to your body and brain and give it what it needs during all of this. And (this is also mostly for me but) know that your self-worth isn't in what you do or don't do. Unless you're not taking this seriously and social distancing and overall being considerate, then fuck you.

Not All Heroes Wear Capes (?)

To say that the world at large is in dire straits is an understatement. To say that we, the people of the United States, are ill-prepared and ill-advised under poor leadership is also an understatement. It's a full-out pandemic that most (but not all) have taken seriously (super judgmental right now). Many of my friends have started working from home (the dream), and many of my friends have been laid off during this time (which is bullshit).

I work, and have worked, at a grocery store for a little over five years, and it has it’s ups and downs, like any job. I mainly kept this job because it allowed me the freedom to pursue comedy (and the health insurance-it damn near kills me to qualify for it, but then I can just go to the doctor after the fact), and unfortunately I am not able to perform live comedy at this time, so groceries it is. I am thankful for the job security, and for how the company treats their employees, and my (mostly) great coworkers, and also for the human study that I’ve been able to conduct during this pandemic.

Before the store I worked at (thankfully) limited the amount of people that could shop in at a time, it was like the wild west out there. People fighting (passive-aggressively, since we are in a “affluent” part of town, and one wouldn’t want to get their Lululemon’s all in a bunch over organic mouth wash) over general household necessities and things we rarely sell at a normal time. Honestly, the toilet paper is recycled paper, which is great, in theory, but not always in practice. I think you get what I mean. 

But people are going nuts. I tweaked my neck the first day of the pandemonium, and I still don't know if it’s from the stress of the overall situation, or from lifting six 24-packs of waters into this VERY capable Green Hill’s mom’s Range Rover that was illegally parked at Walgreens. Who’s to say?

I promise these won’t all be gripes, as I am thankful for this job (and no, not in the “I am not a hostage, I love this country” sort of way), but I am truly grateful. But I thought this could be a good place to show some perspective from "the front lines" as they call it. I am thankful to have some structure to my work day still, and my main goals right now are to 1. not have a panic attack, 2. not develop crushes on every customer that comes in (quarantine will do that to you), 3. not test out my "new material" on my unsuspecting coworkers without their consent, 4. not cry in front of customers at work when they get mad at me personally because we are out of organic black beans, and 5. not get COVID-19. In that order.